One Mom’s Letters to Some Middle School Girls

I apologize for the repost. I had to take this down during the school year to protect my boys. Apparently I’m more popular than I thought among the middle school crowd. They didn’t really care, but I wanted them to stop being told, “Hey, did you know that your mom blogs?” Yes, they do.

Dear 6^th Grade Girl Who Wants to “Date” My Son,

     It has come to my attention that you want to “go out” with my 12-year-old son. I get it—he’s cute and outgoing and can dribble a ball pretty well. But here’s the thing: you’ve already “gone out” with six other boys this year. While he has been hanging out with his guy friends, you have been obsessing about a half dozen other boys. Rather than spending your time building deep girl-friendships and developing interests and hobbies, you have been group messaging, privately texting, and gossiping about a whole line-up of boys, one after the other.

            I overhear your chatter when I sub at your school. Boys. Boys. Boys. I hear the drama that is causes when other girls like the boys you already “went out” with or when they like the ones you like now. I notice you have changed your Instagram status update with regularity to reflect each new “love of your life.” Is it hard to delete all the pictures of these boys with you, their arms tight around you, when the relationship is over and a new one begins?

            But here’s the thing, precious girl. None of these boys are the love of your life. My son won’t be the love of your life either. He can’t be. You and he are still figuring out who you are apart from your parents. You are in the very beginning of the process of becoming an adult woman with strengths and weaknesses and new ideas and goals. When you get distracted by figuring out which boys like you, you risk attaching your budding identity to what other people think about you. You risk needing a “boyfriend” all the time in order to feel like you have value.

            So here’s where I stand: my son was flattered at first, until he realized that you probably don’t really like HIM (since you don’t really know him) as much as you like that he is a cute boy. He thinks you are cute and nice. But he has committed to NOT stepping onto the relationship roller coaster until he is well into high school and has a much clearer sense of who he is without a girlfriend. Go ahead and smile at him, wave to him, giggle at his jokes, but don’t pressure him to “date” you.

            Try something for me. See if you can finish the year without a new boyfriend. See if you can get through your next two years of middle school without a boyfriend. If you can’t and you continue to collect boys at this rate, I’m afraid to tell you that the boys who will be interested in you in high school might very well be boys who you shouldn’t want to be interested in you.

            My son is waiting until high school to start looking for a special girl—a girl who is secure enough in herself to not have dated 17 boys before him. If you REALLY like him, make a commitment to wait for him. If you don’t, can you please just leave him alone?

Thanks,

Mrs. Miller

Dear 8^th Grade Girl Who “Crushed” on My Son All Year,

     I still remember the day that my 14-year-old son realized that you liked him. He came home from play practice, eyes wide and a grin smeared on his face, rambling about the dance scene you two had together. “I’m pretty sure she likes me,” he stated matter-of-factly. It was only a few days later before we realized that he had begun to like you too! It was precious to hear all the “embarrassing” stories about your dance scene practices and about his play character having to tell your character that he liked her.

     Since he had never “dated” a girl, he was nervous about how to talk to you. You made it easy by smiling and hanging on every word he said, laughing at his joke attempts, and marveling at his ability to walk on his hands. I asked him what he liked about you and he just “MOM!-ed” me.

            Other 8^th graders pressured him to ask you out. They called you two the “Power Couple.” They called him “chicken.” But he had committed to wait until well into high school before he entered into a relationship. I told him not to worry—the pressure would be off once the play was over and that Christmas Break would cause all drama to fade.

            Sure enough, “The Power Couple” became old news, but you still never “dated” anyone else. You continued to smile at him and half-wave across the halls and send a brief iMessage asking about homework or reporting about your spring break. You never sent messages into the night and you were secure enough to never push for more than his boy responses of: “good,” “nothing,” and “awesome.”

            I know that lots of girls in your grade have boyfriends, but you have been content with a smile, a one-word text, and his friends pushing him into you in the hall. Thanks, precious girl. Thank you for being secure enough in who you are to get to know my son and “crush” on my son and yet give each other the space to develop as individuals.

            Believe me, in a couple years I will be asking him if he still sees you at school and if you still might be someone he wants to get to know better in a dating relationship. I hope you continue in your innocence and purity. I hope that you are blessed by knowing that he “crushed” on you all year too, yet cared enough about you to not ask you out.

Thanks,

Mrs. Miller

One Mom’s Letters to Some Middle School Girls: