Be the Alpha Dog in Your Family

When watching a litter of puppies play, it’s usually easy to see which one is the alpha dog. He’s the one that eats first, gets the toy first, and generally dominates the other puppies. Unfair? Maybe. But someone has to be in charge. And in your house, that’s you!

Challenging (AKA difficult) children are usually wired to be in charge. They have lots of ideas and opinions on just about everything. They are outgoing and bold and confident. They can’t possibly just “go with the flow” because they have a much better idea about how the flow should go. However, it is actually in their best interest to NOT be in charge of the house.

I remember when Michael was around three and trying to be in charge of our house, I was actually a little afraid of telling him “no.” Seriously, a 36-inch boy who had only been alive 3 years and could not survive on his own more than a day or two intimidated me! I hear other mothers with the same fear: “He won’t pick up his toys. He won’t put his coat on. He won’t leave until he’s ready. He won’t leave his sister alone.” SHHHHHHHH! Does he hear you?

Take charge with confidence. This little guy or girl NEEDS you to be in charge of the house and them. You actually are “the boss of them.” By being strong and confident when speaking or correcting this child, we are actually LESS likely to lose our patience and soon after our temper. Weak requests or wishy-washy statements can confuse this child by having them think that no one is really in charge so they have to be. They feel secure under strong leadership—not harsh—strong . It sounds like this:

“We are leaving now. Go get your coat.” (I don’t want to!)

“You don’t have to want to, but I do need you to do it. It was fun here wasn’t it?” WALK CHILD TO COAT AND PUT ARMS IN. A flailing child gets carried to the car with no coat.

“Finish your dinner. It’s time to be done.” (I hate this food! I’m not eating it.)

“You don’t have to like it, but you may be hungry later if you don’t eat more.” AFTER TIME IS UP REMOVE FOOD AND OFFER NO MORE FOOD THE REST OF THE NIGHT.”

“It’s time to get ready for bed. Head up stairs and get dressed.” (No rebuttal but child continues to play as if you never spoke a word.) But you did speak.

SILENTLY WALK OVER TO CHILD WHO IS PLAYING. “Mom said it’s time for bed. “ GUIDE CHILD TO THE BATHROOM TO GET READY. (Fit ensues.)

“Looks like you haven’t learned how to obey yet. Mom and Dad will help you learn this tomorrow. * For now it’s just straight to bed—no stories since you can’t hear me read because of all the crying.”

(I want juice. I want juice. I want juice. I want juice!) Mom already told you that you had enough juice. Do you need help accepting NO as an answer*? WALK AWAY FROM THIS IRRATIONAL CHILD. GO DO A LOAD OF LAUNDRY.

“Please come down from that tube (play area). It’s time to leave now.” (No! I’m still playing.)

“I know. I bet you would play here all day if we could wouldn’t you? Come down now and remember that you’re a boy who obeys*.” WAIT 5 SECONDS AND WALK TO THE TUBE AND CLIMB IN TO GET THE CHILD. DISCIPLINE AT HOME FOR THE CHILD WHO HAS NOT LEARNED TO OBEY.

All of these scenarios assume that you gave plenty of notice for these kids. Transitions are challenging because these kids are usually enjoying what they are doing. Giving them notice is NOT asking/begging them four times. That is weakness and it leads to more resistance in the future. Do you want to create a child who begs and negotiates and disobeys? If so then beg, threaten, bribe, and negotiate with them often. Giving notice is, “We are leaving in ten minutes. Off to bed after this show is over. Dinner will be over in five minutes. We will be leaving as soon as I finish this sandwich.”

*Next week I will ramble about the joys of teaching important life skills.

Be the Alpha Dog in Your Family