I think the biggest reason that we have trouble saying “no” to our kids is because we are afraid of their reaction or because we don’t want to hurt them. But what if we KNEW that we weren’t hurting them and were actually helping them learn to be content and grateful for what they have? What if we KNEW that we didn’t need to be afraid of a tantrum or mini-fit because kids throw fits and that’s OK? So what is a parent to do at the toy store, Target, the Zoo, in the car, at the dinner table, the mall…
Just say, “No.” It’s short and simple and to the point. Say it with confidence like you would say no if they asked you, ”Can I build a fire out back and throw this aerosol can in it?” If you have randomly said yes in the past, then your child will have a lot more motivation to plead his case. At this point, he still has hope that it might pay off to badger. It will take more time for him to recognize the word “no” in your vocabulary, so he may need to be physically removed from the coveted object or perhaps even the store itself. Don’t repeat the word “no.” Just leave. Have no fear—this will only be a temporary situation while the child is reacquainted with the new sheriff in town.
Variations of “no” that don’t work
• Rather than a firm “no,” some parents prefer the weaker version of “We can’t afford that now.” This is simply not true. If you have a credit card in your wallet, then you probably could buy every toy in whatever aisle you are in. You could buy boxes of Hershey bars and every flavor of Five gum. And then you would simply return home to the Visa bill in the mailbox and a little more debt for the family. Give your child the security of knowing that you could buy the object, but that is not part of your family’s plan for your money.
• “Maybe later,” “Not today,” “I need to think about that.” All of these responses delay the problem for another day. These answers give them hope that perhaps the conditions just weren’t right for their request to be granted, but NEXT time they might have success. These responses work in the moment, but they fail to present your strength on where you stand about the acquisition of stuff. The subtle message is that you wish you could buy it, but for some reason unbeknownst to them, you just can’t.
• “That’s too expensive. Pick something else out.” In the toy boutique industry, the term is “Shut-up Toys.” These are toys priced at $10 or less that are placed seductively around the cash register. These are the lifeboats for parents who want to say yes to their child, but the item is just too much money. They feel like they have said no to the large ticket item and that buying something smaller is harmless. However, that lifeboat has a hole in it, because it only serves to reward the child with stuff and only feeds the appetite for more of it next time. The child has indeed “shut-up,” but they have been encouraged to scream another day.
Variations of “no” that can work
• “Do you want to put it on your list?” As discussed earlier, having each member of the family have his own list for optional purchases is the perfect way to cultivate financial discernment. Each time money is spent, it must take thought and not be impulsive. Asking it as a question to the child allows them to consider if the item is even worthy enough to be put on the list. Many times when I have asked this question to one of my boys, he has looked at the object more and then said, “No, never mind.” Which means, “I can’t believe I even asked because this thing’s not even worth taking the time to write down.” For a time, one of the boys had “an ice pick” on his list. (Scratched off 15 days later.)
• “Do you have enough of your allowance saved for that?” Once you have explained to your child that you will provide them with everything they need and even some of what they want, the allowance is the perfect way for children to provide for themselves what they really want. Very quickly parents see that it is much easier for a child to spend a parent’s money rather than his own.
• “Maybe Grandma needs a birthday/Christmas gift idea for you.” I always love to be able to see the thrill in Grandma’s eyes when she buys the perfect gift. The perfect gift is always small, useful, and much anticipated. If left without ideas, Grandma has been known to purchase two 8-foot tall American flag tepees, a stuffed dog larger than a labradoodle, and a candle making kit that ended up starting a kitchen fire. Giving Grandma the best gift ideas is a win-win for me. I get to see my boys open a present that they truly have decided is special to them and unchecked contraband stays out of my house.
• “Would you like to hold this while I shop and then give it back?” This variation was an all time favorite of mine when the boys were still sitting in the shopping cart seat. I admitted to the allure of the object and used its powers to my benefit. The child would be absorbed in the newness of the object and all the fascination it possessed, and I shopped without disturbance. Not once did any of them throw a fit when it was time to return it because they never knew that it was in the realm of possibility that a toy could be bought at random.
YOU can do this! YOU can say “No” with confidence. They will read the new strength and determination in your eyes. Go out there today and “Just say No!”
Don’t Be Afraid of Saying “No”–Just Say No!
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