“Say ‘I’m sorry” or I won’t play Spiderman with you tonight.” I overheard this statement yesterday from a father to his five year-old son. Perhaps this sounds like a perfectly healthy way to get a child to do something that he doesn’t want to do. Or perhaps it doesn’t sound quite right to you. Certainly we have all said things we regret to our kids. I know I wish I could take back, “Are you trying to drive me crazy?!!!” every time I said it when the boys were little. But how many times do we say something, and we don’t take the time to think about the impact of our words—even when they are calm words.
1) This dad was using a threat to help him get the behavior he wanted—an apology. Unfortunately, the child has complete control of the situation. The father will either increase the coercion, lose his temper, or admit defeat as the child remains silent. The dad is trapped.
2) Threats, and bribes for that matter, rely on manipulation. Rather than using the child’s desire to please his parents, threats assume that an incentive must be added in order to obtain the correct behavior. Rather than the parent’s words having power in themselves, the threats detract from the words and actually weaken the parent’s authority.
3) This threat was to take away an experience that probably brought the father and son closer together—playing Spiderman. It is through the father/son mutual joy and respect that most parenting will occur over this child’s lifetime, so why threaten to take away something that builds this relationship? Is my dad someone who knows me, loves me, respects me, and has authority over me? Or is he someone who scares me and who resorts to manipulation to get me to behave? Do I have the power to make him lose control? The child uses these experiences to figure this out.
4) This scenario sets up an unhealthy way to relate. The child can quickly learn to wait for the threat, or to wait for the yell, or half-heartedly apologize just to end the showdown.
5) We want our kids to behave because they have learned over time that what we ask them to do is GOOD for them. Parents are on their side. Isn’t learning to apologize a skill that will be good for the child to learn? Everything that we are trying to teach our kids—self control, patience, respect, work ethic, and responsibility —they all benefit the child. We are asking our children to do things or to stop doing things that will make their life easier, not harder. Threats are for the mugger to use when the lady won’t give up her purse. Threats are for the manipulative boyfriend who threatens to break up with the girl who won’t do what he wants her to do. Threats help them get what they want because the person is being hurt either way. Threats do not help parents.
DON’T STOP READING—I know they “work.” But I have something better!
Before you resort to using a threat, consider what things you have control over. You can’t make a kid eat, stop crying, sleep, say something, stop saying something etc. When you ask a child to do these things and they DON’T, you have handed control of the situation over to them. I know that it’s hard to hear, but the child is in total control. If you do cross over and actually use force to literally make a child eat food or to shut their mouth with your hands, you damage the relationship, which is your true power source.
At all times, try to keep your authority AND maintain a positive relationship. Threats harm both authority and relationship. So now what? If you accidently step into a situation like the one above and you ask your child to say something and they refuse, how about: “Looks like Michael hasn’t learned how to apologize yet. I’m sure he will when he gets a little bigger. Sorry, Bryan, that Michael pushed you. He’s still learning to get control of his body and his emotions.”
Did you notice the subtle implication that Michael needs to grow-up? Ouch! That can be more effective than a threat any day because kids WANT to grow up and be a “big kid.” You stayed in charge. You stayed positive and painted a picture of the future where Michael will one day be a boy who apologizes when he’s wrong. And the threat-forced apology would not have gotten to the child’s heart anyway. Through a strong parent-child relationship, this heart change will likely occur over time.
Rather than threatening what you will do– just do it. Actually leave the pool or the party when behavior is bad. A simple question of, “Can you get settled down or do we need to leave?” should take care of it IF you actually leave sometimes. If you can’t leave in that instance, then whisper, “If you can’t settle down, 1) we’ll need to get you more sleep tonight and go to bed at 7:00… 2) you will need to skip the cake—seems like too much sugar already…3) we are going to have to walk outside for a break from all the other kids…Then DO it. Any of these convey to the child that the behavior is wrong and there are consequences that make sense.
One of my favorite non-threat moments was the “fake zoo trip.” The zoo was always a favorite place to go when the boys were younger. At the time we had been having general car behavior issues that were not improving. I told the boys all the bad habits they had devel
oped and that we needed to practice behaving in the car so that it was a peaceful place again. Expected behavior explained. Consequence of returning home outlined. Then we left, and I didn’t even bring the zoo passes because I knew we wouldn’t make it five miles. I turned the car around after about ten minutes saying, “Oh well. Maybe we can make it farther tomorrow.” They figured
it out.
The follow-up is key. Teach about party behavior or car behavior or apologizing or saying thank you or obeying… long after the moment is over. Teaching outside the moment and reinforcing it will always be more effective than a threat in the moment. But many parents ignore the issue until the next misbehavior. Teach. Practice the correct behavior. Set up predetermined consequences for the wrong behavior. But don’t ignore a reoccurring issue until the next episode.
The 5-year-old child did not learn to feel sorry for what he had done yet. But he will one day.
READ THIS! or I Won’t Play Spiderman with You!
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