It can sometimes be so easy for our kids to draw us into an argument. They want something. We don’t. They don’t see why not. Or the opposite scenario: We want them to do something. They don’t want to do it. They don’t understand why they should do it. That pretty much sums up all arguments that might happen over here.
It’s good for us to dialogue with our kids about areas where we disagree, but excessive arguing weakens our relationship with them. Loud arguing and loss of emotional control can cause damage that takes time to heal. So how do we keep the relationship solid?
1) Be sure your child knows you hear him. “I know you want to go your friend’s house this weekend. That makes sense to me since you haven’t see him in a month.”
2) Make your point with conviction not insecurity because you know they won’t like it. Let them hear that you think it is best for him and the family as a whole. “Unfortunately, we need to go to your brother’s game and then meet friends for lunch. You can go next weekend though.”
3) If they turn up the heat, disengage: “I have to draw a boundary and walk away from people who talk to me with that much disrespect.” “I don’t ever want you to think that people will respond to you when you talk like that.”
4) Add an empathetic statement, “I know that seems like so far away and you guys had made big plans, but sometimes you have to do things that you don’t want to do. It’s tough sometimes.”
5) Your final escape: “I love you too much to argue with you.”
Bottom line is that you are an adult and you think like an adult. Your child is a child and they think like a child. They are usually incapable of understanding your point or they are too self-absorbed to even try. IF they suck you into an argument and get you upset, they have gotten to have power over you and that actually is unsettling for a child of any age. They want and need you to be strong and in charge. Really they do.
Teach the following skills to help with arguing:
1) Accepting “no” as an answer
2) Sometimes we all have to do things that we don’t want to do.
One at a time, name and talk about these skills. Talk about what happens to people who don’t learn these things. Talk about the maturity it displays when people do learn them. Set up consequences if they are working on the skill of “accepting ‘no’ as an answer,” and they continue to argue after a clear “no.” Or there’s always the favorite, “You must not hear the word ‘no’ enough so Dad and I are going to be saying it a lot more often until you get used to accepting it. I bet you’ll catch on quickly and we can go back to normal.”
Of course kids can have the freedom to express their opinions and feelings, but once all information has been collected, the parent decides and the discussion is over.
I remember when my kids were toddlers and they would get a hold of something sharp. I would quickly move to take it out of their hands. Usually they cried and cried because they wanted to hold the object—but it wasn’t good for them. Based on my experiences from being more mature than they were, sharp things sometimes hurt people. Just because they cried I would not give it back.
Likewise, we do not owe a preschooler or elementary school age child an explanation they can understand—because they CAN’T understand it. One of my favorite responses from my boys is the ever-popular, “MOM, that doesn’t even make any sense!” Of course it doesn’t, son, because your brain in not fully developed yet.
Certainly, try to explain. Certainly ask questions to engage their thinking. But at the end of the day, they might never “get it.”
For the parents with the kids who can talk like they are an adult but have only been alive 2-4 years, it’s important to acknowledge their feelings so you don’t go insane by trying to explain yourself: “Oh honey, you don’t have to want to… (get ready for bed, put your toys away, come to the table), but I do need you to do it anyway.” A similar option in responding to their grumbling is, “Wow, it sure can be frustrating when… (you have to leave the park, you can’t buy what you want, have to go to bed and you’re not tired)You are really learning to handle your frustrations well.”
Last but not least, “Because I said so” pretty much sums up a lot. And wrap it up with, “I am sure I would feel the same way you do if I was your age! Love you!”
The Argument against Arguing with Your Kids
Enjoy!!!!
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