I’ll never forget the dad I spoke to a few years ago about getting his daughter to stay in her bed at night. He said, “The only thing that seems to work is when I threaten to take her “lovie” (comfort blanket). I took it one night so she knows I’ll do it.”
While this dad got the behavior he wanted (the girl stayed in her room), it came at a cost in their relationship—trust was broken. Though he certainly had authority in his home, this too came at a cost because the authority was now fear-based rather than respect-based.
When we manipulate our kid’s environment with consequences, we must be careful that they are rooted in love and respect rather than being punitive, simply trying to get the behavior we want. Worse yet is a punishment that says “you hurt me so now I hurt you.” The end result there is a kid that’s now absorbed with how bad WE are rather than how bad HE is.
The difference between when our consequence is strong and helpful and when it is weak and punitive is a fine line:
Weak consequences are usually reactive and emotional. (“You got an “F” on that test? You can’t go skating this weekend like you planned!”)
Strong consequences are calm and matter-of-fact. (“Wow, an “F” I’m sure you’re disappointed. I know you studied, but I guess it’s tougher than you thought. Let’s have you spend some extra time on it this week and if you can’t master this material, we may need to consider changes in your schedule.”
Weak consequences focus on the behavior in the moment. (“You hit your brother, now you can’t have a snack today or that toy to play with or a video.”)
Strong consequences focus on the long-term development and maturity of the child. (“I know you’re frustrated by your brother. But we don’t hit. Ever. He and I are going to play together away from you for awhile so he’ll be safe. You’ll figure this out and if you can’t, mom and dad will have to help you.”) Then make a specific consequence plan focusing on learning to be a boy who isn’t too rough—I’ll discuss this another day.
Weak consequences cause the child to be angry with you. They feel hopeless to ever please you. (“You are disrespectful to me so I’m taking your phone. You’ll have to earn it back.”) In this scenario the child just tries to be respectful to earn the phone back rather than because being respectful is GOOD for the child and being disrespectful in life will be bad for the child.
With strong consequences they are STILL angry with you BUT deep down they know that you love them, want the best for them, are in charge, and they did this to themselves. They have hope to improve. (“We are not going to live like this around here where you are so disrespectful. It’s not good for you to be so sullen and rude. I’m not sure what’s causing this change in you but I have a feeling it could be your constant access to your friends on your phone. I feel like it is disconnecting you from the family and that’s not healthy for you. You no longer have the privilege of this phone until I see a permanent change. I know this will take awhile but I also know you can do it and I know how much happier you’ll be when you are not this angry and sullen all the time. Love you!”)
There is false logic out there that implies that if we simply find something that brings enough pain to our kids then they will behave the way we need them to. They will “learn” that the bad behavior brings pain so they’ll stop, right?
Our strongest position is when we use our authority and our relationship to speak wisdom into their lives. We want good behavior because that’s what is best for them. Finding the right punishment is a bunny trail in the wrong direction. Finding the right relationship with them puts us in the right place where we can truly parent with power.
The Truth about Consequences
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